Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash
Scrolling Twitter recently I came across a rather interesting blog post which a mutual follow was commenting on.
The blog is “It’s more fun in your 30’s” by Kelly Jackson (@Kelly_Jackson88) and can be found at https://itsmorefuninyour30s.blog
I should start by owning up, this is not the sort of blog (nor Twitter user) I’d normally be interested in reading/following.
It appears to be the usual diet of recipes, restaurant reviews, reality TV and some personal journey/life improvement stuff.
As with most blogs like this, the majority of the content is acting as a thin veneer for money making from product placement and getting free tickets for Alton Towers (or something of the like? I think this is the influencer/blog game?)
And fair enough? It’s 2023 and this is what people do? It’s not like my blog is any more interesting! And to be fair, I don’t really think it was intended for my demographic.
So why am I talking about it?
The post that caught my attention was this : – https://itsmorefuninyour30s.blog/2022/04/11/uncovering-the-secret-world-of-paypigs/ – inevitably perhaps as it revolved around findom.
In fact, compared to the rest of the blog content it somewhat stood out as random?
Like a song by Rock Bitch suddenly being played on Radio 4’s “Womans hour” on a Thursday lunchtime – it was a total departure from normal topics for the rest of the blog?
But in truth, upon reading it in detail, I felt this post was absolutely fascinating. Not just from an individual perspective but also as an additional piece to the overall jigsaw puzzle pic of the findom landscape.
Why? Well, primarily because it tells us two interesting things about findom Twitter:-
1) That findom twitter has now reached a certain level of attention. Despite being billed as “the secret world”, it’s clearly now mainstream enough that it’s reaching the attention of your average blogger.
2) But secondly and most importantly, the post itself gives a FASCINATING insight into how some ladies arrive at findom twitter and how they view/feel about it?
The post itself however, I think also serves as a cautionary tale and an example of where / why Twitter findom can be so toxic and harmful?
Before I dive in to dissecting these points and to outline my criticisms of what was written, I should probably be fair and set out some caveats/disclaimers?
Let me briefly clarify that :-
- As above, I think the post is fascinating, honest and fairly well written.
- I don’t mean any harm and I don’t believe Kelly Jackson does either in her writing. I don’t know her at all but I believe we should always give the benefit of the doubt. I’m sure she is a perfectly nice person and is writing from a place of honesty and sincerity and genuinely set out to try and help others when she did this.
- I did comment under the post on Twitter where Kelly shared it that I would be making some criticisms of it and offered to talk with her separately about it if she wished.
- The post is written OUTSIDE of fantasy and fetish talk. It is designed as a guide in fact, to give advice to others who may want to be involved. The language and terms used with it then are genuine and not fantasy driven.
I think I should also acknowledge also, I could easily be accused of gate-keeping here in what I’m about to say.
I should therefore point out clearly, I’m not an expert in findom twitter. I’m not setting myself out here as some kind of “wikipedia” of findom, kink, nor anything else. I just have my own views and experiences. I think the more conversation about it the better.
I’m also passionately for freedom of speech and I’d never ask Kelly to remove her post or want her banned etc. People can write what they want in my view and in weird way, I’m actually really glad Kelly did write this post in some respects. I’d never tell anyone to “stay in their lane.”
However, if you are going to write on a topic, it should be acceptable for others to give reasonable criticism and feedback.
Readers can then read both sides and decide who is right. Writers can also improve or clarify their work. This is the “market place of ideas” at work.
And this is all I seek to do here. Not to gate-keep, not to be unreasonable, not to bully and absolutely not to cancel anybody.
This is not an attack on a person then. It’s an attack on a view and the way it’s presented.
All I want to do is critique what I think are flaws and blindspots in what has been written in a publically shared opinion piece.
And I think it matters. Twitter Findom has many issues as I’ve written about here, passionately before (see https://tragictruthblog.com/?p=888). Mental health problems, safety concerns and other issues. And I think some of them are related in some way to the views, attitudes and actions in the post Kelly wrote?
She has over 21,000 followers on Twitter. Many of them other ladies who may think about findom and for whom this may be the first intro they’ve had? I think it’s critical that their first understanding is as accurate as possible.
Here are my objections to the post she wrote then. I hope they are taken in the manner they are intended but equally can understand if they only land as insulting.
It’s not my intention but I know offense can be taken even when not offered. So if you read this and want to disagree, claim jealously or pump it through the lens of gender and claim “mansplaining” or something silly – then that’s for you.
The post opens with some self-deprecating humor and then a claim that kink shaming is not a practice the writer participates in. This is a claim that is repeated at least twice in the post. This is, no doubt, an honorable position to take.
However despite this claim, I would argue that the overall post is written with an aire of condescension which at times, I think potentially also borders on misandry?
The “paypigs” she describes are not referred to by name but instead by humorous and somewhat mocking nicknames – “the mentor”, “the enthusiast”, “the refund guy” etc. I came away with the impression these were not real people to Kelly but merely perhaps, characters?
I haven’t of course been IN the conversations or seen how she interacted with them – but the way they are labelled in the post is certainly dehumanising in my opinion.
I would also note throughout the post they are always called paypigs? Not subs, not submissives, not participants, not kinksters, not fetishists. But only “paypigs.”
The understanding that not all people involved in findom twitter like humiliation, or to be called “pigs”, may well have been missed or misunderstood as well – or perhaps to be more critical, the aversion to kink shaming is not as strong as claimed?
In the first paragraph, there is also a big claim.
This practice (findom) genuinely hurts no one.
This claim is demonstrably false. It’s so false, such that it’s almost offensive to claim otherwise?
As I’ve written about here before, by all means, not ALL Twitter Findom interactions/relationships are harmful – but a great many are and there are people who have been genuinely hurt by findom on twitter.
Within a couple of mouse clicks, I can easily refer anyone to at least three men and one woman who can demonstrate, with evidence from their own lives, why her claim here is wrong. The addiction, the mental health issues etc and not to mention damage to finances and relationships.
Like any kink, the practice of findom as a whole can be extremely harmful, if not done with extreme care and consideration by both sub and domme. I cannot fathom why this claim was made? Being charitable, I can only assume it’s because Kelly has no experience or knowledge of safety in kink and in reality, just sees it as a quick route to some money?
This is a story which is sadly, repeated over and over again in findom twitter – but I’ll leave this point for a moment and return to it later – because safety nicely moves me onto my next objection to the post.
Over the course of approximately 2,100 words including advice on “how-to” in findom to others, there isn’t a single mention of safe, sane and consensual practice (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Safe,_sane_and_consensual) , nor other calls to take safety precautions. There is nothing on being moral? There is no call for verification or checking ages. There is no advice on proving who you are to others.
Further, there is no recommendation around budget setting, no talk of safe words, no guidance around health and longevity, nor links to other places people can go to find out more about BDSM safety. Safety and care is entirely skipped.
Further more, there is no examination either of psychology? No talk of the how and why findom becomes a kink, how to properly speak to people and participate in their fantasies, nor anything other than a cursory mention of related kinks?
Again, in defense, I don’t know the writer. She may well be very knowledgeable in this area but just decided not to include any comments on it for some reason?
On the other hand, this would seem an odd omission? I think it’s conspicuous by it’s absence.
I can only go on what has been written in the post, but it seems that rather than conducting her own research, (or, I suspect, being from a kink background), perhaps Kelly has seemingly just allowed a man to tell her how to act in relation to findom and kink? And if so, maybe this was missed.
As she writes herself :-
It’s not uncommon for men to try and “educate” or “train” ladies around findom on twitter. I’ve even seem some charging for this and trying to run “workshops” about it.
But invariably these guys are usually in it to get their own kinks satisfied or end up educating in a completely selfish ways – concentrating on the excitement of “corrupting” a “vanilla” girl to findom and making them “become dominant” rather than genuinely giving them open and honest and correct info.
There is certainly a thrill for some submissive men in the “girl next door” suddenly becoming a cruel dominatrix and in observing/being part of that transformation. I know. I’m one of them.
But the advice that’s given in such a case is often tainted. It’s advice given with one hand, whilst the other is busy doing something else. That’s not to say of course, all men do this or are bad – but it is a common story.
I’ve been asked to join domme groups myself on Twitter before to help “educate” ladies in how to be better at it – and I have point blank refused.
It’s not my place. I think there is a role for sub feedback of course in education, but “learning the ropes quickly” from a random man who DM’s you is really, not the way to go?
This “training” then is perhaps why Kelly’s interactions with “paypigs”, sound somewhat haphazard when she describes them? She writes:-
Here she sets out to “auction” a service, (a phone call with her albeit it isn’t clear really what the service is from what she writes, given anything sexual is allegedly ruled out). She ends up with a buyer but then essentially claims she “forgets” to provide the service.
The person who finished second in the “auction” however felt aggrieved because the money they sent incurred charges.
In relation to this second participant she continues :-
This to me sounds less like a dominant and more like a lady who is just being cajoled and pressured into doing what horny men want? This theme continues and gets worse :-
Voice calls don’t “turn into” video calls. It isn’t something that happens by surprise? It isn’t a natural process like, water turning into ice?
In fairness, I’ll hold my hands up here and say, we don’t have the full/both sides of the story and it is impossible to judge from what is written what the real situation was. But it does give us the sense at least that Kelly clearly wasn’t/isn’t well in control of her interactions or perhaps making fully clear communications at each time?
Indeed, in her advice, she goes on to suggest to others they should always get things in writing, be clear in what is being agreed to and not to be pressured into doing things. And that is good advice.
Perhaps then this is a “what I did wrong” story? But it is also really perhaps another example of where education and information from other dommes (and neutral videos/reading material) is more helpful than being shown the ropes by a man in DM’s?
To summarise my criticisms in a neat list then, the post in this blog is :-
– written with the intent to give advice but omits KEY and important things
– written with a slightly condescending tone in places and dehumanising view of other people
– features a false and unsupported (maybe dangerous?) claim that findom twitter “hurts nobody”
– has no coverage of safety concepts, consent, budgeting, mental health, addiction etc.
– gives the suggestion that you can “learn the ropes” quickly and from random strangers in DM’s
It’s almost like someone telling us how to fly a plane full of passengers, only they have no pilots license, no experience and little knowledge or interest aviation. In place of all of that, instead, a man who loves playing flight sims sent some messages on what to do. They didn’t seem to have any problems – so they are now telling you to do the same.
You can tell where this might end?
Before I disappear off though into obscure metaphors, I’d like to raise one last criticism of the post. And it’s one which segues us nicely into the bigger picture of problems in findom twitter.
I think my final problem with this post is how easy everything is made to sound?
Whilst Kelly does tell readers it isn’t all fun and games, the lasting impression is that all you need to do is open a new twitter account, share your payment details and write a tweet with the hashtag “paypig.”
That’s really it. Do this and offers of money will flood your inbox. You can easily make £200 just sending selfies and then not communicating much with people. You don’t need to consider anything else beyond managing how much you talk to them and what you agree to.
This frustrates me.
How many times in my run as a sub in findom (and subsequently since I stopped) have I met ladies on Twitter who took this approach but were absolutely fed up because they soon found out, it isn’t this easy? How many were sick of getting barely any money at all, yet comparing themselves endlessly to those women that do?
How many times have I seen women falling into the trap of believing that their worth was only tied to how much a man was prepared to pay to see a blurry picture of their breasts,? Taken and sent reluctantly and regretfully in a work bathroom?
And how many times have I met women that hate it (and themselves) because of this? But then do it anyway because they’ve tied their self worth to it, or otherwise needing the income against a backdrop of a cost of living crisis?
We have an environment that isn’t really working (nor healthy) for anyone.
I paint a bleak picture, because it is bleak. This is what a lot of findom is on twitter. We shouldn’t try and dress it up any other way.
This doesn’t describe the experience of ALL ladies doing findom on twitter of course!
But it’s a significant subset I believe.
The ladies I’m describing here are often the so called “instadommes” or “tiktok” dommes. They account for the reason why there are just so many ladies doing findom on twitter. Why the supply is so high and the demand still relatively low.
These ladies aren’t naturally kinky and don’t understand kink and fetish. They don’t understand findom (beyond, someone will send me money for nothing). They don’t take it seriously like others do. They don’t care for safety, care, mental health or longevity. They just want a gift card to buy a new jacket on Amazon and will eschew any concept of safety or health to get it quickly.
As one such lady so eloquently pointed out to me previously when I raised this in a chat with her a couple of years back :-
(Depressingly, this account now has over 5,000 followers on twitter I should perhaps add.)
These are the ladies who saw a video on Youtube or TikTok, heard something about it from their friend in the pub, or read a post on a blog – which said free money was available for just uploading a pic of their feet to twitter.
These ladies are half the problem. The men involved play the other half.
The problem has dark consequences. And posts like Kelly’s unfortunately do nothing but make it worse.
What she has produced here in this post then is simultaneously, a manual for creating “instadommes” (and thus furthering the problems) and also a fascinating insight into how they are born.
It is both terrible, by the criticism above, but yet also useful and interesting as it instructs us how findom is viewed by those coming in from a non-kink perspective.
And so to conclude this critical assessment, I think I’d turn to the three groups of people who may read Kellys post and say the following.
To straight men who are thinking of trying findom twitter, I would say, don’t do it. It’s likely not what you really want and will potentially lead to addiction and unhappiness or worse. Seek attention from a professional dominatrix in real life if you can instead if you have kinks and fetishes.
But if you are going to ignore my advice and try it anyway, focus your attention on established ladies. Those who have had their account for some time, who have proper verification and who clearly have a sense of enjoyment and also knowledge around it. Or at least those who start from a health and safety standpoint.
Avoid those who don’t. It’ll not only be more rewarding long term but also healthier.
To ladies who have read Kellys blog post and are thinking of trying findom I’d say, don’t do it either.
It’s not easy, cheap money. It’s hard and unpleasant. If you aren’t normally kinky or dominant and just want free drinks, it isn’t something you are going to enjoy. If you attempt it without knowing what you are doing, you are going to hurt someone and possibly yourself in the process.
And if you are going to ignore my advice and try it anyway, have a very long period of research and investigation online first, paying close attention to safety and health. Talk to lots of other ladies who have been established in it a while. Don’t listen the first man who DM’s you and offers to “show you the ropes.”
And to Kelly herself? When she replied to my comment on twitter, she conceded that…
Yes, she should have made more of an effort. MUCH more.
Without it, what we have here is interesting and brilliant in one sense but also completely unhelpful and potentially harmful in another. For avoidance of doubt, I’m NOT asserting that Kelly herself HAS harmed somebody here. I don’t know that. But I think her blog post has the potential to lead to bad outcomes for someone if taken purely as is and at face value with not further research or education.
I hope maybe my criticisms here help either Kelly, or any other readers who are thinking about becoming involved in findom from any angle, sub or domme. Please think long and hard about whether its right for you.
And please always prioritise safety and health above quick money and easy blog revenue.