Photo by Daniil Onischenko on Unsplash
As I’ve gotten older, a couple of things have happened to me
1) my sex life with my long term partner has mostly stopped
2) the constant drip feed of radical feminism in the media and day to day life has some what gotten under my skin.
I’m at a place where I feel incredibly ashamed of my sexuality. I wish it would go away and have been looking for medical interventions which might help with this (unsuccessfully I should add).
Here I try to write out how I think in my head sometimes and just how negative I feel about it.
These thoughts are not logical or rational but they are the types of monsters I have to fight in my mind , sometimes daily. It doesn’t help that my mind sexualises this shame in itself and it becomes a vicious cycle of negativity.
I think I’m supposed to include a trigger warning here. This writing is very bleak and negative and deals with self hatred and suicide.
This might seem shocking to some. But I write this in case it helps someone else somehow. If you ever feel like this, you aren’t alone.
Those things you like are disgusting.
It’s not just the “weird” stuff you like either.
You should feel very ashamed of that of course. But that just shows how mentally ill you are.
It’s not only that. It’s everything. Even the stuff you think is “normal.”
All of it.
The things you think about? That you think are sexually exciting? They aren’t just silly and immature. They are vile artifacts of sexism and patriarchy and nothing more than what an oppressor would want.
All men are like this and you are no different. You are “that” guy.
What you want to do to her is basically at best, rape adjacent. Even if she seems like she wants to, it’s still rape. You are basically just masturbating with her body. You are sick.
Where as you are unclean and perverted, she isn’t.
She is clean. She is creation, beauty, order and intelligence.
You are just rape and destruction. Stupid. Bumbling. Dirty.
She isn’t driven by the same disgusting needs as you. She isn’t enslaved to them like you are.
In the past when you first met, she used to do all those things with you and it seemed like she liked it? She told you she did. She told you she loved you?
But she didn’t really. It was just because she wanted you to like her and because shes put under pressure by society to do those things. She’s a victim and she was just acting like she thought she should. It’s not her fault. She might not even know this herself, that’s how victimized she is.
Victimized by men like you. Shes probably scared of you.
That’s mostly why she slowly stopped being interested in that dirty stuff over time. Also she got bored of you of course. But mostly it was because she never really wanted to do those things anyway?
That’s why when you tried to show her what you liked, she said it was weird and didn’t want to be involved.
That’s why any time of the day became “only at 1am when you are falling asleep”
Thats why the stockings and high heels became pyjamas and sweat pants
That’s why it only became a reward if you had been “good”
That’s why it stopped being everyday and became every week.
That’s why it stopped being every week and became twice a year
That’s why “yes please” became “stop being silly”
That’s why “put your hand higher and use your fingers” became “stop sexualising me”
And how fucking dare you even question this!? How dare you even think about this?
You don’t have any say over her body. Your disgusting feelings and desires don’t matter, because they are selfish.
You should be grateful with getting absolutely anything sexual at all from her. Ever.
She’s doing you a massive favor, allowing you that. It’s such an obvious example of male entitlement to think you should have any interest in anything sexual at all with her. It’s entirely about what she wants. Nothing about what you want.
Did you forget that it’s something that you do TO her?
Sure, men all lie and say its “mutually beneficial” but ultimately it’s always about you want isn’t it? After all, it’s about penetrating her body in some way? Your penis is literally a weapon which you stab her with? It’s nothing but an act of disgusting violence and dominance that you force upon her in reality.
And the really disgusting thing is that you feel upset and aggrieved by not getting to do those disgusting things to her.
It bothers you that you know deep down how disgusting it is. But that still doesn’t stop you. And because she doesn’t give you what you want and you feel ashamed, you try and coerce other women online with money to do it.
It’s disgusting, perverted, shameful and awful. It’s a sickness she (and all women in general) would love you to get over as soon as possible.
But we all know you won’t. Because you can’t. This is what you are. A predatory pervert, intent on raping her over and over again. You are like this by your nature.
So why not do the right thing and end yourself? Just take out the trash so she’d never have to worry about you and your filth “needs” ever again?