Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
My ex-colleague Trevor calls me up on Signal.
Trevor is 26 and in his first long term, “live together” relationship with his girlfriend.
I’m 42 and in my second long term, “live together” relationship with my girlfriend.
Even though Trevor and I no longer work together, we’ve stayed in touch and have developed a sort of, weird, pseudo-father-son relationship, mostly centered around music (he’s a superb piano player and understands music at the same “feelings-not-science” level I do), politics and military weapons. We also gossip a lot about our old work place (he still works there). We are, basically friends.
After asking me about what I did at the weekend and a conversation about hobbies, he asked how I “protect my own time.”
He rarely talks about very personal matters, but for once, he seems very open about it. Almost like hes a bit….upset or desperate.
He’s an introvert, a lot like me in many respects. And much like me, he values his own time and space to do things he wants, often on his own. More than values , he needs it.
He’s finding it hard to always get that with his partner.
“It’s frustrating” he says, “when you sit down to do nothing and then there are requests for the most random help.”
I know, EXACTLY what he means.
It’s being part way into writing an article, half way into painting, at a difficult stage of a video game or nearly at the end of a difficult piano piece you are learning… and there’s the shout from downstairs to interrupt you.
The TV won’t turn on. The jar won’t open. The website won’t load. Is this email ok? What should I write in this letter? Which tissue dispenser on amazon looks the best? Thing’s that realistically, could be done alone with a bit of thought and effort. Things that, you’d never consider asking for help for yourself, because it’s not necessary.
You get used it. You realise it’s part 2 of the three methods of control.
1) Generate conflict between hobbies and friends when planning time
2) Interrupt hobbies and time with friends to insert herself into them
3) Diminish belief in yourself by criticising you over small things/actions/disagreeing with unimportant matters and putting you down in front of other people.
WHY this happens, I’m not entirely surely. I’ve theorised in this blog before its about wanting to ensure attentiveness and loyalty (if you give up your friends/hobbies at her request, then you are unlikely to cheat?) – but I’m not fully sure if this is true.
I ask Trevor how long they’ve been together. He tells me hes just reached the two year mark.
I’m at year 11. I tell him this is to be expected.
He finds it really hard. The weekend just gone, he spent it entirely with her and with her friends. On Saturday, after shopping together, they had a BBQ (which he made) and her friends came. On Sunday, they went for a walk and watched Netflix together.
“I want time alone so badly” he tells me.
“Today after work, I just wanted to shoot some tanks on world of tanks. She wanted to go for a walk with me – but she wanted me to go with her and got upset with me when I said I’d rather stay at home. She wouldn’t go on her own.”
I tell him it’s normal. Not only to be an introvert but to find a pull like this on your time from your partner.
I explain my views above and some of the ways SOME girls will try to control your time like this and why.
I was reminded of my first girlfriend and how bad it was.
I asked him, if he was still getting time for piano.
He often used to be on it when he’d call me and frequently we’d interrupt conversation for him to demo a new chord sequence. Or I’d start mine up and we’d swap notes. I noticed he hadn’t been doing that recently.
He also used to contribute to a professional producer in London – I remember the stuff he used to show me. It was great.
“Hardly got music time the last year” he tells me. “I used to play late into the night” – he went on to explain she used the same bench/table he used to do music on for arts/crafts. She had “taken over it.” And between the loss of his space and spending time with her and on interruptions, he had basically given up on music.
His words hurt me.
I remembered that from my first relationship. Being interrupted constantly when I was writing songs. Being asked to do something else. Being asked why I’m spending time on that and not on her.
I remember putting my Yamaha in the attic. Telling myself that, I didn’t really enjoy playing it anyway and that it was just something I did when I didn’t have a girlfriend to pass the time.
I learned the hard way. It was like cutting off part of my body.
I tell him the same. He MUST defend that time at all costs. Even if it means it breaks them up.
You can’t sacrifice yourself.
I tell him that it’s a game of wills. That she’ll try and take and take from him. In reality, actually, she’ll expect a level of push back. And if it doesn’t come, she’ll respect him less.
It’s worse in the first 2 years whilst she “tests” him. But it never fully goes away. It will always be she wants to take more than he’ll want to give. He will either find a “position” on it all or not. It is a game of give and take and he must be fair, generous and reasonable with his time.
But it’s critical he MUST defend some time for himself and he MUST NOT give up on music, ever, for anyone.
He tells me he is so calm and he doesn’t really know exactly how to raise it and they end up arguing about it. He finds it really hard and if he can’t carve out that time to himself, he feels like it affects his productivity at work as well as his general well being.
I gave him some tips that helped me.
Having a joint calendar is good. This lets you plan weekends and evenings ahead of time – so you always know what is going on it advance, but also, you can carve out time for the things you want – and its “agreed” in advance.
It isn’t foolproof but it helps.
As I wrote about in https://tragictruthblog.com/?p=1475 I have no grounds to say ALL women follow this path in relationships (and I’m sure some men do too). But it seems common?
It’s been my experience in both of my long term relationships. I saw it in my father and mother, heard about it several times at work from other men and now have had the conversation first hand with Trevor.
It does seem to be a pattern. I’m extremely curious to know, if single sex relationships are like this too?
I understand fully that, it’s vital to spend time together and to have things you enjoy doing as a couple. I know there must be men around who put in so little effort. I don’t condone that at all.
But at the other end of the spectrum, you simply can’t spend all your time together. You must have good sized chunks of space where you have time alone or you have time with your own friends/hobbies. This is extra important where someone is an introvert. It’s a matter of mental and physical health.
Having a relationship and being with someone else does mean sacrifices. But you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your whole self. It shouldn’t be a zero-sum game where your partner gets to decide exactly what, when and where for you every single time.
If you are in a relationship, long term or short term – especially if you are female – have a good think about how things are with your partner.
Are you demanding their time/attendance more than is fair and reasonable? Actually, how often this last month have they accepted the thing you want to do? Or are you accepting of them spending time alone? Or with their own friends?
Treat each other fairly and remember you are not extensions of each other, you are individuals.