Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

How can one crave enslavement – yet at the same time, want to be entirely free from it?

There’s a crack in the middle of my personality and my psyche that I’ve become very much aware of in the last 4 years.

It’s a chasm, or a deep valley, with two, seemingly diametrically opposing sides.

On one side, there’s my concern for the safety, health and well being of men in the modern world, particularly the UK.

There’s the sense we (and therefore I) are a long way from where we need to be. We’re on the “back foot” perhaps. There’s the desire for us to break free from traditional gender roles to a world of total optionality like women have mostly done (in many, but not all parts of the world). There’s the disdain and frustration with the gender based hatred aimed men on a daily basis in the media, online and subtly through day to day life. As much as I try to avoid it, I do ruminate on the misandry I read and hear every day. I worry endlessly for us as a sex/gender and I want things to get better.

On the other side, there’s my sexuality. The need to be submissive to women which never seems to totally leave me, at least, not for long. The pleasure from being pushed around, bullied and punished. The rush from being a “good boy.” The kinky things that make me not just feel horny, but feel somewhat “whole” ?

I’ve thought about these two aspects of my personality deeply.

At first, I thought they were perhaps not actually opposing sides? Perhaps both are possible to sit together? Compliment each other? Or at least not necessarily be at odds?

After all, is being sexually submissive, not over-throwing ones traditional gender roles as a man? It’s not “normally” what we do, is it? Or what is expected at least?

Surely there is not a better example of rejecting tradition than being the furthest from the tough-all-in-control macho man that your traditional gender roles demand? Is wanting to be led around, naked on the floor and do as you are told by a woman not the absolute epitome of rejecting the old and doing what sets you free?

Yes. It is.

But also, no, it’s not.

Because how can I realistically be telling men to decenter women from their life and go their own way in one moment and then immediately open my browser up to masturbate to the idea of worshipping them as the divine the next? Am I really rejecting my traditional gender roles? Or am I just using women to satisfy my own needs? Paying them to play roles to entertain me, which neither help them, nor me in the long run? Indeed, is there an element here of actually pushing myself BACK into traditional gendered expectations? Man as the financial provider with the unstoppable sex drive and woman as the objectified prize? Is the entire thing just based on some “deep rooted problem with women?”

And what of mental illness? What if my sexual tastes are just born of a chronic lack of self esteem? Or are merely reactions to bad things that happened in my life that I didn’t find a way to get over?

And the most chilling thought – what if, my entire need for kink and to be submissive, is just a reaction to the concern for men? In other words, what if one side of the chasm has actually created the other?

I don’t think this is true – because I remember being thrilled by kink as a young teenager, long before really becoming so concerned about gender politics. But I still wonder about it sometimes.

Whatever the case, the push and pull between these two sides is incredibly strong.

It’s sometimes almost as if the longer I spend on one side, the harder I will be pulled by the other?

If I spend time reading gender politics books or tweets, later, I’ll feel more submissive. But then the more time I spend on my kinks, the more I’ll want to read and write about gender politics and the plight of modern men.

One side fuels the other. It goes on in a loop.

It goes in cycles. Days or weeks spent one side mean days or weeks spent the other. Rarely they sit together. I wish they could somehow? But I think these things might just be contradictions to each other?

It’s the most odd situation and it’s extremely uncomfortable. It feels like a massive contradiction.

It also feels extremely hypocritical. How can I tell men, “you are not responsible for opening doors for her, buying her gifts or giving her your life, so stop doing it” and then immediately fantasizing about doing all three?

If I could summarize it in one sentence, it would go like this:-

How can one crave enslavement – yet at the same time, want to be entirely free from it?

I think this is my “brain mechanism” (fetishistic sexualisation) at it’s full capacity, trying to make sense of things that just don’t necessarily make sense and to make me feel better about it. But it doesn’t really work.

Instead, it’s a puzzle to solve. It’s a maze. And so far, I’m clueless as to how to escape it.

I cannot easily get rid of my sexuality. I often feel it is a curse. But I don’t know of a way to leave it behind. It’s built in.

I could, of course, wrestle with myself not to act upon it. But aside from being extremely difficult, I don’t think that leads to the best of outcomes that I’ve seen in other men.

I could, I suppose, tackle the other side of the chasm. I could try my hardest to avoid all gender politics entirely. But this doesn’t feel exactly entirely possible either. Even if I never turn on a computer and look at the news or social media again, it still leaks into conversations on a regular basis in day to day life, or at work.
It’d be hard to avoid and honestly, not entirely satisfactory.

Both sides of this chasm then are seemingly impossible to get rid of. I think the answer may lie in options. That what I’m actually calling for is CHOICE. And I can make one choice freely, but without expectation.

I’ll continue to wrestle with this I think.

But I am reaching a point, particularly in my writing online where I think something may have to give. What that is yet, I’m not sure. But two years into The Tragic Truth – I’m toying with making some changes.