Category Better Men

Photo by Stefan Spassov on Unsplash

Interview was conducted over Direct Messages on Twitter on 18th February 2023.

Demographics

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

I write sitting on the balcony of a luxury hotel room in St Lucia.

It’s exactly the cliché picture you’d expect.

A stunning view to the ocean in front of me, multiple swimming pools, palm trees and a set of immaculately maintained gardens. Behind that, white sandstone buildings that form the rest of the 4 star, all inclusive resort I’m in.

It’s 28 degrees, bright sunshine with a light breeze coming in from the sea.

Shortly, I’ll go for an ice cream. After that? Maybe take a nap. Then sometime around 7:30pm, I’ll go for a steak in whatever restaurant the concierge booked my partner and I into tonight.

If this sounds like absolute paradise and luxury to you, you aren’t alone. And I’ll admit, it is.

And neither is it lost on my how bloody lucky I am to be here.

Of course, I’ve made my choices, I’ve made sacrifices and I’ve worked hard for what I have. But I know I’m lucky enough to be able to afford this and all the things that transpired to make that the case.

And it’s partly this that’s going to make what I write next sound so awful.

The brutally honest fact is, I’m not really having a great time?

Photo by Katie Harp on Unsplash

Index of parts in this series of essays are here :-

As I’ve explored over these essays, findom/femdom Twitter has significant issues with safety and security for its participants – both mentally and potentially physically.

Photo by Katie Harp on Unsplash

If you do spend any time browsing Findom Twitter, another issue you will rapidly come across is that of addiction. Also depression and general mental health problems.

It seems addiction has become a kink in its own right within “the community” and it doesn’t take long for you to find the Tweets relating to it.

As odd as it may sound to an outsider (how can giving money away become an addiction!?) it IS possible that both men and women become addicted to Findom Twitter both in the act of giving and receiving money (and associated sexual behaviors).

Indeed, scratch the surface and start talking to people and you will find a rich vein of those for whom addiction to findom has become a problem in their life. Causing relationship breakdowns, poverty and depression.

It’s an extremely complicated area of course, but addiction and depression I believe are the BIGGEST issue with findom Twitter.

I’ll explore individual stories more later in interviews. But for now, I will spend some time exploring how I believe the problems work from a theory perspective.

Photo by Ehimetalor Akhere Unuabona on Unsplash

I’m sat in a restaurant. There are about 8 people in total including my (female) partner – because its her birthday.

The table has somewhat divided itself into two conversations because of the size. I’m one of only two men but the other is in the conversation at the bottom end of the table. The rest of the people are an assortment of my partners friends, colleagues, family and ex-colleagues – all female.

We’re waiting for desserts and coffee. The conversation has meandered around as usual. Holidays, food, work, weather, birthdays. All the usual things.

The topic turns to Netflix series. I tell everyone we recently watched the Jeffery Dahmer drama series there and that I had enjoyed it.

Photo by Stefan Spassov on Unsplash

It’s international mens day 2022. I’ve made a donation to a team doing Movember and rather than sit at home reading the constant deluge of negativity the day brings towards men (me) on social media, I’ve decided to have a complete day off of the internet entirely.

Instead I’m in London and I’m sat in a sports bar with a couple of people – effectively family. On one TV (the one I’m watching) is the Formula 1 qualifying event from Abu Dhabi. The other is showing the rugby , Scotland vs Argentina from Murryfield.

As I’m finishing my first pint of Amstel, I’m feeling good that I avoided the internet today. I didn’t feel up to the misandry that accompanies every international mens day each year usually :-

and so I’m pleased to be sat here, enjoying motorsport and beer away from the hatred.

But it turns out I’m not away from it for long.

Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash

Happy International Mens Day everyone!

It’s a day to be positive about ‘the dudes’ for a change and celebrate, say thank you and pause to think for a minute about the men around us?

In previous years, online, there has definitely been a bit of negativity around this day and many people have made it all about men vs women. I’m just going to avoid all that though as much as I can 🙂

Instead I’ll give you four facts you might not know about men that might make you stop and think for a few seconds or may challenge ideas you already had!

Photo by Brett Jordan

We need to calm down. Really.

Let’s all be very honest? Twitter is a cesspit. It always has been? I think most people would agree? Nobody has ever been totally happy with it, or so it seems to me?

It’s not just that it’s full of some of the most vile, hateful and angry people on earth (as well as those who just want to watch the world burn for fun) – it’s that it proactively encourages “normal” people to be that way?

The short message format and dopamine-driven feedback loops in the forms of likes/retweets and followers are actually tools to ENCOURAGE this type of behavior? And this was the idea from the beginning?

The entire purpose of the platform is to get you engaged and scrolling and to keep you engaged and scrolling. This way you consume more adverts and this way, the platform owners make more money. The best way to do this is to addict you to the dopamine from the likes and retweets – and to keep you emotionally triggered with the controversy. It’s perfect at doing this.

Photo by Katie Harp on Unsplash

Closely related to part 4 of this series, Findom Twitter not only has a misandry problem, but in fact, in my opinion at least, can have a “chilling” effect on the progress of gender roles for both men and women.

My view on this is somewhat “experimental” (it’s perhaps not fully strongly developed) and also is not without controversy. It’s also complex, so I’d beg the reader bears with me as I try to explain it best I can.

My Twitter feed once had a tweet pinned to the top of it, which outlined a view I have held about Findom Twitter ever since the earliest days of my account:-

but what do I mean by this?

Photo by Ehimetalor Akhere Unuabona on Unsplash

A few months ago, I sat awkwardly in the front room of a small flat whilst a lady explained to me how everything in my life was so easy and I had no problems to worry about.

The flat was in Stockton Upon Tees. The lady in question was my girlfriends younger sister.

Having become upset about the story line of the film we had been watching and its apparent representation of patriarchy, a short break whilst my girlfriend had gone to the kitchen for ice cream had become the perfect opportunity for her to give me some education on how everyone in the world (everyone but men that is) has a terrible time of everything.

Uninvited and with a serious “I’m educating you” tone (womansplaining?) , it was explained to me how ALL women everywhere were victim to “the patriarchy.”