All posts by Umberto David Panda

Hey women, what are you planning to do better? Because you need to do better. Here are ideas on how you should treat men better.

• Women are strong, independent and can speak for themselves without the support of men. Don’t automatically expect men to talk to their friend who is “kind of a creep” at work and fix the problem for you. This isn’t 13th century Europe. You don’t get to direct men into confrontation with each other anymore. If you think someone has said/done something towards you that is against HR policy, report it to HR.

• Don’t talk over other people.
• If you are asked to be on a panel/team or to attend a specific event and see that it’s all women, say something. Maybe even refuse the spot!
• Learn to read a fucking room.
• Don’t call a man “creepy” in a professional setting, unless he’s actually done something wrong which you are prepared to report to HR and deal with formally.

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One of the most natural things to humans and humanity is to trade. To make transactions. To exchange goods or services. This is seen globally, throughout virtually all groups of humans, regardless of race, ethnicity, culture or creed. It even occurs in some highly developed species of ape.

At its most basic level, this comes down to nothing more than the concept of “something I want for something you want.”

Taking what the other person wants by intimidation or violence is not always possible – nor is it practical on an evolutionary basis. Therefore, it’s in the nature of human beings to try and find a trade that is mutually beneficial. Such transactions, when carried out buyer to seller, or better still, face to face, are wonderful things for human beings. There is an innate joy for most people of “doing a deal” – feeling like you got a bargain. Indeed, psychologically, it is of great comfort to people if it feels like the bargain went both ways. You got something you wanted – the other party also benefited. Great transaction. A handshake. Good deal.

These are such things that nations are made from – nay- empires. Trade, commerce, bartering, exchange. Fundamental to the raw roots of humanity itself.

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Introduction

The bulk of this essay was written in 2021, shortly after the murder of Sarah Everard in the UK.

However it tackles ideas and themes which I pondered long before that event. After the murder and subsequent trial, there was much outpouring in the media and online of how violence affects women and also, it’s fair to say, a lot of misandry and general animosity towards men (online especially).

I spent a lot of time examining how violence (and the threat of it) had also affected my own life. Also, how the world has changed with regards to gender in my life time.

Spread across six parts, it aims to cover how gender and gender related topics were growing up for me as a child, experiences of violence and intimidation I experienced – and then use these as background to an examination of how violence and related expectations around violence and gender influences wider society.

Finally I will come to the conclusion – that men MUST be allowed to change their gender roles in the way women have.

I fully expect to have to come back and update this essay in future as my ideas evolve but it stands as a start point and the launchpad if you will for many of my other views on life and gender politics.

Lastly, please forgive the fact the essays are somewhat rambling at times and seeming unconnected. There are conclusions at the end and I think it helps to have some of the background in your mind to understand how I came to them. Please stick with it if you can!

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Part 2 – What happened next…

All of this information just serves as background. This was the world that shaped me and what I was fed/trained with in my formative years.

And not just me, thousands of other men and women like me probably who were born in the 80’s and before.
All of us were trained, educated and prepared in our formative years for a world which, when we got to it, didn’t really exist anymore.

Because it was during the intervening years whilst we were growing up, women largely successfully changed their gender roles and redefined themselves and what they should be.

Men however, on the whole, don’t seem to have been quite as successful at redefining theirs.

And it’s this which serves the backdrop to everything else I will write on gender here. It’s this point that will be the anchor for all other views I develop on gender politics and particularly, the plight of men in modern society.

Photo by Daniil Onischenko on Unsplash

Part 3 – Experiences during my life

With my upbringing, formative years and socialisation described as background in parts 1 and 2, what I will now follow on with are a series of anecdotes about my life.

Some are very short. Some are longer. Some of them are about me. Some of them are not.

Some of them are things I heard 2^nd hand from others. Most are generally about violence and intimidation. Many are about the relationship of certain men (and myself) with violence and it’s ever constant presence within an average mans life. But more than violence, I will also touch on situations where I felt vulnerable, hurt or psychologically injured but it seemed my gender stopped me from expressing it or from having others hear me or help me.

I should say that my experiences I suspect are totally average and “normal.”

Photo by Ehimetalor Akhere Unuabona on Unsplash

Part 4 – When it comes to violence everyone is equal but some are more equal than others

The anecdotes I have picked in part 3 may be shocking to some but on the whole, I don’t suspect are terribly unusual for most men/boys. I selected these as particular examples – but left out plenty of others so as to not make the whole thing an entire life story. I chose also heavily based on the past and childhood, so to show that violence was something I grew up with as part of my experience.

Recently, via media (particularly social media) we’ve been encouraged to read about (or ask for) women’s experiences of violence and intimidation, particularly in the street and by strangers. A lot of the stories that have come forward have certainly been unpleasant and should be met with sympathy and concern. The murder of Sarah Everard as the instigator for much of the discussion on the topic was certainly appalling and upsetting.

Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash

Part 5 – How do we change? Improving things...

It’s this which is the first core of my argument.

The narrative as it stands doesn’t start from the correct place and potentially may only succeed in driving a wedge between the sexes further.

I say this because, many men, like myself, will probably hear the narrative and feel that something isn’t right with it? It doesn’t gel with their experience and what they know from what they observe everyday, nor what they read from surveys and data. They then cannot find themselves able to engage in the discussion as they don’t feel the position is right – and we end up in unproductive debates which we title things like “not all men” or end up in a game of “who has it worse.” We end up generalising, grouping and dismissing and reach for actions that punish innocent people – such as suggesting curfews are put in place etc.

If you are reading this and are thinking again about trying to deploy the “but you are making it about you” argument, I would say simply, yes, I am. But I’m doing so because there is a reality about gender politics which seems to be commonly missed? That is, men and women are two sides of the same coin and that if you want to affect change between the sexes, BOTH must be involved in the discussion at an equal level. Trying to brow beat and shame “men” as a whole group or telling men that they must not participate in the discussion, simply will not lead to a good outcome. All it will lead to is alienation, misunderstanding and a widening of relationships.

So what am I suggesting we need to do? Here are my suggestions.

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Part 6 – Conclusion

And so, to come to my final conclusion in what needs to change, my case is very simple. Gender roles for men must change. I will explore the HOW this can be done in another article – but equality cannot be achieved unless men are also able to change their gender roles on the fly also.

Men too must effortlessly be able to switch between being perceived as a carer and nurturer but then also in the next moment choose to default to our original roles of being tough and rugged. We must be equally accepted as primary school teachers, nurses and nail technicians as we are fighter pilots, racing drivers and stunt men. In the same way men cannot dictate a womans gender role, so we too must not let women dictate to us what our roles should be.

Further, we should react with as much disgust, horror and offense to any woman expecting that we’ll be doing the BBQ or changing the flat tyre as women would react if we expected them to make the dinner or not work and only take care of children.