Category Sexuality and Kinky Business

Kink, Shame and Desperate Housewives

Photo by Daniil Onischenko on Unsplash

Whilst shame is a naturally occurring emotion (perhaps playing some role in keeping groups/societies cohesive) there’s no doubt that what we feel shame about is learned.

Shame and its close cousins, guilt and embarrassment, can also be devastating.

As I’ve explained in this blog before, I carry a lot of shame about my sexuality and about being kinky. I was thinking a lot the other day about where I got that shame from.

The subtle tyrannies of long term relationships – Part 2

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My ex-colleague Trevor calls me up on Signal.

Trevor is 26 and in his first long term, “live together” relationship with his girlfriend.

I’m 42 and in my second long term, “live together” relationship with my girlfriend.

Even though Trevor and I no longer work together, we’ve stayed in touch and have developed a sort of, weird, pseudo-father-son relationship, mostly centered around music (he’s a superb piano player and understands music at the same “feelings-not-science” level I do), politics and military weapons. We also gossip a lot about our old work place (he still works there). We are, basically friends.

After asking me about what I did at the weekend and a conversation about hobbies, he asked how I “protect my own time.”

He rarely talks about very personal matters, but for once, he seems very open about it. Almost like hes a bit….upset or desperate.

Positive people, please accept that life is shit. Please give us a break? F*ck right off?

Photo by Daniil Onischenko on Unsplash

Of all the things that are annoying in life, overtly positive people, or at least those who won’t even acknowledge the downsides of existence, are definitely up there in the top 5 for me.

They aren’t quite as annoying as middle lane hoggers, estate agents or the British train network. But they are definitely contenders.

Let’s talk sense about life in general for a second. And lets be REALLY honest? No pretending or papering over the problems with trite, meaningless sayings.

Most of life sucks? It is, to the most part, either dull and boring. And the parts that aren’t are then interlaced with pain, shame, embarrassment and suffering?

Deep down, we all know it?

“Hello from the other side.” Why adult/findom payments are so difficult.

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It’s very frequent in the Findom Twitter space (and online adult services space more widely) to hear of problems with payments. People often find their Cashapp accounts closed, Paypal accounts suspended or their card company blocking their transactions.

In some extreme cases, (like the recent suspension of Tributify by Stripe for example) entire websites can have their services withheld, cancelled or closed by their payment acquirers/processes with very little notice or reason as to why.

Quite often, I see people extremely upset about such cases. Its understandable. But often, they believe there are reasons for such events that might not be quite true in my experience.

Having worked in the electronic payments space for over 17 years (in cards and banking payments), I quite often have been “in the room” or around the people who make such decisions. What it often comes down to is a very cold decision about risk vs money. Getting that balance right yields great profits. Getting it wrong brings disaster.

Let me try and explain and show you what I mean with a little bit of a story , with you as the protagonist.

Sorry Britain, we need to talk about dogs

Photo by Robert Gramner on Unsplash

A few weeks back someone asked me what my most unpopular opinion was.

I took a hop, skip and jump over gender politics and feminism (the person asking was female) and landed at my second choice. It’s something you probably aren’t expecting.

I think private dog ownership (for non-working dogs) should be made illegal in the United Kingdom.

Got that immediate, twisted feeling in your stomach like you don’t agree?

Having rolled out this view a few times in the past in different places (plus my supporting arguments, which you can read below) I know how upset people get about this topic. It’s as if little wet noses, wagging tails and puppy dog eyes mean people are unable to see sense?

But sense I think must be seen if we are to prevent what is one of the biggest and growing public health problems in modern history.

So here I will set out the main reasons I think private dog ownership should be banned. I will then tackle a group of the most common arguments people have with me. And finally I will follow up with a compromise position that I believe may be possible for us to achieve.

I do ask you read it all with as much of an open mind as possible. And please read what I do say and also take a careful note of what I do NOT say.

Wait, you DON’T call yourself a feminist?! Are you good bro?

Photo by Ehimetalor Akhere Unuabona on Unsplash

Ah feminism. This is a difficult subject to write about for three reasons.

Firstly, it’s an extremely divisive and emotive topic? Conversations about it often provoke the worst reaction in people, especially women (I don’t talk to women about feminism or gender politics in general as a rule since about 2019 because of this sensitivity and the terrible interactions I’ve had). I’m in no doubt the mere title of this article appearing on my posts on “X” is going to cause some blocks and unfollows from people. It’s the forbidden conversation fruit unless you are saying EXACTLY what someone wants to hear.

Weirdly, as I was about 85% through writing this article, a perfect example of this presented itself on X. I commented on a post (from an account I don’t follow) which was labeling the concept of patriarchy as a theory and as a “luxury belief.” I was agreeing mostly with their sentiment (more later in this article).

It immediately triggered the reaction I’m talking about from one of my followers :-

I was sexually harassed at work

Photo by Alex Kotliarskyi on Unsplash

When I was 24, I was subjected to ongoing sexual harassment, both physical and verbal in the work place by a woman. I’ve never spoken about this with anyone or written about it until today.

It wasn’t the first time it had happened in my life though.

I can remember being about 21 or 22 (so around 2003-2004) and being touched inappropriately by a lady called Angie at work. She was a good 25 years older than me at least and she was married with a family.

She regularly called me “sweetheart” , “darling” and “sexy.” On one occasion, she asked me in front of other people – “what would you say if I asked you for sex right now?”

On another occasion I had gone to her office on a support call (I worked in technical support) and she had grabbed my hips, made me sit on her knee and put her hands up my shirt. I remember her saying “oh what’s up here? This feels nice” before I managed to stand up and move away from her. There were two other women in the office. They laughed. I did too and just ignored it. But I didn’t like it and I didn’t feel good. I’ve never forgotten it.

Around the same age, at the same workplace, there was also Carol, who again, was older than me, by a good 30 years I’d say. I left my phone by mistake in her office and she recorded a voice message on it for to tell me that “momma wants some loving” and some other sexually suggestive comments.

But these paled into insignificance compared with what happened with Sue.

“Been here from the start” – why the meltdown?

Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash

I shouldn’t really be surprised perhaps at how negative, miserable and badly thought out peoples comments on Twitter (AKA “X” as it is now known) can be. It really is the ultimate cesspit of human stupidity, half baked ideas and opinions with little to no backing. More over, trolls, pranksters and “men who just want to watch the world burn.”

But occasionally, I’ll admit it still does surprise me how nuts it can get.

For some reason, last week, on Wednesday/Thursday (14th Sept 2023) there was a sudden flurry of upset about a video clip of a song by the BBC. The clip that caused the sudden outpouring of anger was from the BBC’s Horrible Histories show, an educational series for children about history, which often uses jokes, comedy and songs to explain history and historical events.

Findom Dommes – Some suggestions for you..

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In “Findom Twitter – Doing it healthy for submissives” I wrote up some suggestions for those playing the submissive role in findom twitter on how they could act/interact and ways they could behave/think to try and keep themselves as healthy as possible.

I always felt like I should write a similar piece for the other side of “the game” but found it very difficult. Partly because I don’t really know the Domme side as well and it’s hard to for me to give “health” advice there. But also, for the longest time, I held off writing a post like this for two main reasons.

Firstly, I’ve always believed that any man offering to give “training” of any sort in twitter findom (or more widely, sex work in general) is probably going to end up giving corrupt teachings. Even well meant advice can become easily tainted with fetish and fantasy, even when we don’t mean to. What I’m aiming to do here is really not train or teach anyone anything then. But merely to give some suggestions that might make your life/everyone’s better from experiencing interaction as a submissive.

But honestly, take them with a pinch of salt, this is a lot of anecdote and opinion. I’m FAR from an expert!

Secondly, I don’t want anything I write to be taken as encouragement to be involved in Findom twitter. I’m not really trying to give you tips here on how to So…that’s the first thing I want you to know!

– don’t do/get involved in findom. It’s unhealthy. Go do something else.

Ok… that disclaimer given, I’m guessing you maybe are going to ignore that? If so, then read on…