The subtle tyrannies of long term relationships
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
One of the great things about the life my partner and I lead is that we are both able to have separate interests.
There are one or two hobbies we share that bring us together (watching Formula 1 or going to ice hockey for example). But there are also things that we are interested in separately.
We’ve been together over 11 years now and having your own space and time to go and do your own thing, I’ve come to understand as very important. When you are younger and you’ve first met, the feeling is that you must be together, sharing exactly the same things every waking moment – but I can tell you from years of experience, this is a trap. You won’t always be interested in each others hobbies. You’ll want to do your own things.
I often come across couples who haven’t worked this out and it gets ugly very quickly.
I can summarise it as “time apart to do your own things – come back together to share some things” as the winning formula.
When this isn’t allowed in a relationship, what often ensues is either a “points” game (“I’ll go to that yoga thing she wants me to go to because then I can insist we watch the new Top Gun movie on Saturday!”) or the more horrific battle of wills scenario where one partner resents the other for not liking and enjoying the same things they do.
You’ll usually only hear one side of this of course, presented as the other person not being “supportive” or “investing in the relationship” or “not wanting to spend time together.” At it’s worse “they are not committed to me” is thrown about.
So I recommend strongly, having your own hobbies and interests that you peruse yourself or with friends.
However, this in itself is not fool proof and I’ll explain why and how below.