Category Sexuality and Kinky Business

Your Sexuality Is Disgusting

Photo by Daniil Onischenko on Unsplash

As I’ve gotten older, a couple of things have happened to me

1) my sex life with my long term partner has mostly stopped

2) the constant drip feed of radical feminism in the media and day to day life has some what gotten under my skin.

I’m at a place where I feel incredibly ashamed of my sexuality. I wish it would go away and have been looking for medical interventions which might help with this (unsuccessfully I should add).

Here I try to write out how I think in my head sometimes and just how negative I feel about it.
These thoughts are not logical or rational but they are the types of monsters I have to fight in my mind , sometimes daily. It doesn’t help that my mind sexualises this shame in itself and it becomes a vicious cycle of negativity.

I think I’m supposed to include a trigger warning here. This writing is very bleak and negative and deals with self hatred and suicide.

This might seem shocking to some. But I write this in case it helps someone else somehow. If you ever feel like this, you aren’t alone.

Electronic Payments – Change does not always result in progress being made

Photo by Yeshi Kangrang on Unsplash

When I was 16, I remember my history teacher had a sign in her class which read

Change does not always result in progress being made”

It was in massive black on white letters next to the door as you came in and was intended to remind everyone when they were writing about history, not to always assume that something was happening for the best or in the name of progress and improvement overall. Change sometimes just is. Not because.

In contrast to the colours of the sign, history (and the world in general) was not black and white. We needed to remember this.

This stayed with me all my life and has been a really useful phrase for all sorts of things. It essentially calls out, the myth of progress in some respects.

For, every time humanity makes a “leap forward” in some area, it subsequently often invents a number of problems in another.

Findom Twitter – Doing it healthy for submissives

Photo by Katie Harp on Unsplash

I’ve resisted writing this essay for a while, not just because it’s a tricky subject to cover but also because I fear my writing may be misconstrued or misused.

So the very first thing I must do, is state very clearly, I do not recommend anyone tries findom.

This goes for both men, woman (and those undecided/in between). It’s the same recommendation also as well for those who want to play the dominant and submissive role. Just avoid it.

My position has not changed. I still believe findom is a corrosive, negative and potentially dangerous practice, especially as it is carried out on Twitter.

If you want to know much more about why, you can take a look at my series “the trouble with findom twitter” here –

Nothing in what I’m going to write here should be interpreted any other way other than as a stone cold recommendation to not get involved. If I could end every piece of advice with the words “…but still don’t do it”, I would. I won’t though, because that might make for quite boring reading!

So I’ll write it here instead, When it comes to findom, avoid it. Express your kinks and sexual interests other ways via other outlets.

All of that said, I know that no matter what I say, there are still a large number of you crazy perverts out there who will disregard my advice and go try it anyway! I tried it too. So I see you guys 😉 !

Just like other prohibited and dangerous things (drugs, alcohol or gambling) , the draw of the unknown and the risk is exciting. People get curious and they want to try. I know. I’ve been there. I get it.

If you are one of these people, this one is for you. You’ve maybe already tried findom or are about to for the first time. If so, you need to know the facts and how to do it in as healthy way as possible.
I did findom for over two years on twitter as a sub, so, here is what I would recommend to you.

Again, for one last time, please don’t! But the last warning given, here are my top tips on how to do it as safely as possible as a sub.

Female Supremacy fetishists and their religion

Photo by Maria Vlasova on Unsplash

I got into a small debate recently online with a female supremacy fetishist and learned an awful lot from it.

It was a somewhat unusual interaction over Twitter. Two submissive straight men, not engaging in catfish or other directly sexualised chat but instead actually getting into a fairly deep debate about the philosophy of submissiveness, service to women and gender politics.

Well, to be completely and totally honest, we did talk for a very short time about how awesome it would be to lick Taylor Swifts boots clean – but genuinely that only accounted for about 5 minutes. The rest was a lot more, productive, shall we say.

Despite the disagreement, the debate was well natured and intentioned and I enjoyed it. Not because my mind was changed but because I learned more about the underpinnings of this fetish.

These types of chats are rare and I wish they happened between men more.

How we arrived at the conversation is a long story.

The subtle tyrannies of long term relationships

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

One of the great things about the life my partner and I lead is that we are both able to have separate interests.

There are one or two hobbies we share that bring us together (watching Formula 1 or going to ice hockey for example). But there are also things that we are interested in separately.

We’ve been together over 11 years now and having your own space and time to go and do your own thing, I’ve come to understand as very important. When you are younger and you’ve first met, the feeling is that you must be together, sharing exactly the same things every waking moment – but I can tell you from years of experience, this is a trap. You won’t always be interested in each others hobbies. You’ll want to do your own things.

I often come across couples who haven’t worked this out and it gets ugly very quickly.

I can summarise it as “time apart to do your own things – come back together to share some things” as the winning formula.

When this isn’t allowed in a relationship, what often ensues is either a “points” game (“I’ll go to that yoga thing she wants me to go to because then I can insist we watch the new Top Gun movie on Saturday!”) or the more horrific battle of wills scenario where one partner resents the other for not liking and enjoying the same things they do.

You’ll usually only hear one side of this of course, presented as the other person not being “supportive” or “investing in the relationship” or “not wanting to spend time together.” At it’s worse “they are not committed to me” is thrown about.

So I recommend strongly, having your own hobbies and interests that you peruse yourself or with friends.

However, this in itself is not fool proof and I’ll explain why and how below.

How can I stop doing Findom? 10 things to think about..

Photo by Katie Harp on Unsplash

You’ve been doing findom on Twitter a while and you are starting to get concerned it might be a problem?

Maybe it’s not as exciting as it once was?

Maybe you’ve had financial problems as a result of over doing it, or other problems in your life such as relationship issues or sexual dysfunction?

Or maybe you’ve realised you are actually fully addicted and you really want a way out?

Whatever the case you – want to stop, or at least cut back? But you aren’t finding it easy?

Stopping findom can be HARD.

The (tragic) truth is, findom can easily become just another addiction, absolutely as difficult as cigarettes, alcohol or drugs to kick.

Actually, maybe its even harder?

Where as the outside world knows about addiction to those things, findom is still relatively unknown and somewhat taboo. This means information about it and support to kick it can be harder to find.

Rather than writing about theory further (which is what I normally do), I wanted to actually write some tips that *might* help you stop or cut back.

The loneliness of a secret sexuality

Photo by Daniil Onischenko on Unsplash

My colleague is drunk.

We’re at a work night out. I hate these events but if you don’t keep a minimum appearance at some of them, no matter how good you are at your job, you soon find your life getting harder. A work world ruled by shallow thinking extroverts means things have to run this way it seems?

I’ve mostly given up on ever hoping it will change.

We’ve started talking about a mutual friend who has been questioning her sexuality. For as well as being drunk, my colleague is also a lesbian.

More than 15 years ago, when in her early 20’s, she finally decided she wanted to understand her sexuality fully and through a series of experiences, understood what she wanted. Shes now been with her girlfriend for over 10 of those years and is engaged to soon be married.

Shes jabbering at me incessantly in the way only really drunk people can.

Middle class guilt. A fuel for conspiracies and unhappiness.

Photo by Yeshi Kangrang on Unsplash

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about wokeism, conspiracy theories and why people (especially those online) often feel so unhappy and lost. A jittery feeling of discomfort? Of not being or doing enough. A feeling that, everything is wrong, bad or fake? Does any of this sound familiar to you?

If so, I’ve got a theory. I think people in Britain, especially those in the middle classes, are often wracked with an existential feeling of guilt and shame.

The feeling stems from the idea that our lives are “too good” , “too easy” or “too comfortable” and that we aren’t entitled to the lives that we have.

This society wide feeling of “guilt” expresses itself often subconsciously. It’s promoted in our media and thoughts/philosophies and becomes a self re-enforcing feedback loop.

You can’t put the gender genie back in the bottle

Photo by Daniil Onischenko on Unsplash

Please note that what I’m going to write here relates heavily to the United Kingdom and is not about other countries, regions or cultures, which may be very different. It also contain things you might disagree with. So if you get very upset when you don’t hear your own exact opinions echoed back at you, then please don’t read on.

As I explained in a previous series of articles (“changing gender roles for men”) over the last 100 years, women have been successful in getting to a place where they can shift in and out of their gender roles as they desire, MOST of the time.

I’m not saying there isn’t still sexism and there aren’t people around who’d dearly love to push them back into their traditional gender roles as they were in 1961 (more on that later). But for the most part, women now flick between traditional/new as they wish it seems.

At 10am a “normal” woman can be the caring and nurturing mother, feeding their child and taking them to nursery. By 12pm, a C-level executive, making decisions about enormous budgets in the corporate world. At 7pm, a kick boxing expert at their local gym. At 9pm, demanding the help of their husband to kill a spider.

British society now, for the most part accepts this. The above wouldn’t be a massively unusual story. There are people who don’t accept this of course and I’ll come to some of those soon. But I’d expect those people are mostly shouted down and disagreed with.

The above would seem extremely normal in 2023.

The conclusion in the series I wrote was that men really need to get to the same place. I don’t believe, as a group, we are yet. Not quite anyway.

International Women’s Day 2023 – Six most inspirational ladies

8th March 2023 is International Womens day.

I’ll admit, I don’t normally do a lot for this day each year, other than keep my head down, avoid social media (it’s normally even heavier on the misandry I find) and wait for it to pass.

Twitter is normally full of this :-

The idea that we can build women up by dragging men down.

However, in pursuit of being fair and perhaps trying to make it a bit positive, given I wrote a couple of articles for International Mens day, I thought, just for once I’d try and do something here for International Women’s day too.

If you’ve ever read any of my other writing or tweets etc, you’ll know I’m not at all a “feminist” (whatever that means now) and I don’t subscribe to any of the critical social theories which might surround gender.

What I’m going to do here instead then, is just give you a list of “public facing” ladies, that over the years, I’ve found inspirational.

A “thankyou” perhaps in a way – or a sign post to go check out some great things done by some great people.